Bedtime should be fun. It should be the time when your little darling heads off into the land of nod, giving you a few precious hours with your partner. You should be able to catch up on some TV, have a drink or do something together that doesn’t involve mopping up buckets of bright green poo.
Before having a baby, I thought bedtime would be pretty simple. Baby will get tired from noshing a tit and will then sleep for an indefinite amount of time, waking refreshed and cooing.
My baby is nearly 10 weeks old. I can safely say that TV has lied to me when it comes to bedtime.
Bedtime – Expectation
7:00pm You put your baby in its bed.
7:01pm Your baby goes to sleep.
Bedtime – Reality
7:00pm You put your baby in his bed.
7:01pm ‘ssshhhh my sweet angel ssshhhhh’
7:16pm Your baby goes to sleep. For 8 seconds.
7:17pm Your baby starts crying because it’s a baby and it doesn’t yet know that sleep is the truly wonderful.
7:28pm Still crying.
7:32pm ‘Ssshhhh lovely baby. Just close your eyes and do some sleep SSShhhh’
7:44pm Your baby finally drops off. You watch your baby without speaking, moving or breathing in case you wake him.
8:06pm The wriggling starts. Quickly followed by crying.
8:10pm ‘Come on mate. Just. Go. To. Sleep.’
8:12pm You download a white noise app and spend 20 minutes pissing about, listening to vacuum cleaners, fans and moving cars before settling on a sound which is something like a washing machine filled with a bag of angry cats.
8:35pm The white noise just angers your baby further.
8:40pm Contemplate downloading a book about getting your baby to sleep, then realise you can’t be bothered to read an entire book.
8:50pm Google ‘Is it OK to sellotape my baby’s eyelids closed?’
8:52pm Find out that it’s not OK and is actually frowned upon.
8:54pm Realise that your baby has been crying this whole time
9:24pm Realise it’s not even 9:30.
9:39pm ‘YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST BABY IN THE WORLD!’
9:40pm Your baby smiles at you. You feel like a terrible human being and remember that your baby is a baby. They don’t yet possess the ability to be spiteful or knowingly obtuse.
9:48pm You take a moment to calm yourself down and take a deep breath.
10:21pm You seem to have fallen asleep for a bit. Your baby has also fallen asleep. Win.
10:21pm You finally shut your eyes, quickly drifting off into a deep sleep.
10:33pm Your baby starts crying.